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VAMPIRES

I AM BACK

Posted on 2007.01.29 at 22:18
hi guys, i am back! it has been a while, and there are STORIES to be told.

some time ago that retardmo UBER ALEX or whatever his dumb fat name is decided that he would add more "servers" (is that what they are called? i don't know!) to the Internet. what he did not take into accoutn was that the "server farm" (okay i seriously don't know i am pulling these terms out of my hairy butt) was located directly over V. UNSTABLE GROUND. you could tell it was unstable because we marked it with a freaking sighn. i woke up to the sound of crashing and shaking and apparently a sinkhole opened up and swallowed the internet. pretty much everyone was devastated, moreso that alex was apparently not tending to his precious computers when it happened. we could have just shoved him into the hole but god we would probably need some kind of hydraulic morbidly-obese man-pushing machine to move him one inch.

okay so a note on costco pass's economy: it is not very good. i do not know if you have noticed this, but i live in a goddamn desert wasteland populated by draculas and incredibly fat men who have no skills other than those gained through years of intense masturbation over a pixelation-censored image of an anime cat licking its balls. so when the internet down we were pretty much all down in the dumps. my charred meats stand is reliant upon deliveries of frozen meats from an extremely generous chinaman on craigslist. all i have to do to get my goods is send him pictures of guillermo's feet every month. i have no idea what he does with all those pictures of his feet! oh well :)

anyway, we ended up sending a search party to rescue the computers and internet stuff. "cables," i think. i stayed behind (to take extra pictures of guillermo's feet so "SoleLuver24" would not think i was breaking off contact! my charred meats stand is pretty important to me) and also got a contact for my single, hideous eye. typing is a lot easier but i am not really that into correctin g mistakes.

obviously the internet is back up now, trying to get back in touch with my meats vendor but he is not online as far as i can tell, updates to follow!

THIS IS ME

dammit

Posted on 2006.10.01 at 00:14
i think i know who has been lurking aorund the meats stand! its this guy i have seen back at the base camp (where i live, you do not go around living alone around here, that would just be razy (and open you pu to vampire attacks)) and he lives with my friend guilermo (god he is being so gay but i will get into that later).

i think he does something with computers, but thwat the hell? he has never expressed any interest in charred meats, i have heard rumors that he has convereted to some retarded assed diaet called "dirtan" where he absorbs nutrients through the pores in his radiation modified skin. whatever!

he is toally trying to spook me, but we will see who has the last laugh when he is unprepared for vapmires! >:(

VAMPIRES

OH MY GOD THOSE SONS OF BITCHES

Posted on 2006.09.27 at 21:25
okay so I FOUND something else that is shockign about vampires: if you invite one into your home THERE IS NO WAY YOU CAN STOP THEM FROM GETTING IN!!!!

i mean honestly aft first i thought "that is pretty dumb, why would you invite someone in and then not want them to come in, was this book written on the moon (i mean before it plunged into the pacific ocean, i forget about that sometimes i am so behind everything) or something?"

but then i thought mAYBE it is like the thing with friends you make but then regret makingk, like they don't respect your personal space and think you are on better terms than you actually are, UGH. or maybe you have a person over for dinner (and i am speaking in purely THEORETICAL terms, i do not have a living space big enough for dinner parties, and why would people party anyway when there are charred meats to be sold and eaten?) and they ate loudly (i mean if you have a huge hole in your jaw or something from radiation that is OKAY, i mean if you are intentionally dumb about eating i guess) and you would not want to invite them back.

but why would you invite a vampire in the first place? i am reading further and the ancient book said something about GLAMOURS, but i really do not see how fashion would prevent someone from seeing that their potentiona;l guest is a blood sucking monstrosity. >:(

either way i am pretty worried by now, what if i have already invited a vampire into my home? what if they were a regular person before but then became a vampire? i have so many questions but so litle time!

THIS IS ME

VAMPIRES

Posted on 2006.09.27 at 20:53
so today when i was setting up the items for sale at the charred meats stand i found this ancient book, i figured it was pretty important (because it is old) so I flipped through it and

OH MY GOD there are these things called "vampires" and they are very dangerous! and shifty! they can only move around at night but now who knows because of the radiation they could be super-vampires and immune to nearly everything, and even thirstier for blood. apparently that is what they drink, and they need it to live, but not in the way that everyone else needs blood, they drink it like we drink water or sometimes sludge (when water is scarce, i do not make a habit of it SHUT UP)

but that made me wonder: what do they have running through their veins instead of blood? i mean that doesn't make sense for them just to drink it, maybe they just collect it in pouches in their cheeks and take it to a safe place where they can inject it in their veins

anyway that is all about VAMPIRES, I am a bit worried about them now (because I saw this guy lurking around the charred meats stand this afternoon, what was he doing around the meat stand without actually purchasing charred meats? no one does that, only crazy people! i mean god if you are not going to eat charred meats you might as well be drinking blood, right? because charred meats stands are a vital part of our economy and without them everyone would be pretty much just totally fucked.

UGh and some kid tried to throw a rock at my eye today, i was v. SORE and would have properly chastised him but i was too busy keeping an eye on the Potential Vampire (who had still not left yet by like five pm, or whatever time it was, wtf was he doing?)